For a long while, I have been asking God for more. More of his presence, more of his revelation, more of his anointing, his Holy Spirit. More divine appointments, more encouraging words for people, more prophetic dreams, an anointing to bring miraculous healing (whether physical, spiritual, or emotional) into the lives of others. I've been asking him for more passion. I've been asking him for a deeper desire to study his word. I've been asking him for more love to love others with. I've been asking God for so much more.
So God's been asking me for more too.
He has started asking me to sacrifice more. It started back in the day, when I was singing "Take My Life" to him during an Honor Academy ceremony. There's a verse that goes, "Take my voice / and let me sing / always, only / for my King." God whispered in my spirit:
"Do you really want to only ever sing for me?"
It hit me that the words I was singing meant nothing. Why? Because, later on, I would probably put on a OneRepublic cd and start singing to it-- and my singing wouldn't be for him at all. I would put on some Coldplay and it wouldn't be about him at all. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily be sinning, since "everything is permissible" (1 Cor. 10:23). But I wouldn't be singing for God. And here I was, worshiping God, belting out, "Let me sing / always, only / for my King."
He told me he wanted more. He said, "Let go of music that doesn't glorify me." But I didn't.
Ever since I started asking God for more, he's been harassing me for more. Harassing is probably the wrong word, but that is how it's felt at times. Because I wouldn't do what he asked, but I would continue asking him for more. And because he loves me and the people I'm called to impact with my life (and because he is a good Father who loves to give good gifts to his children), he's continued asking me for more. More to work with. More room to actually lay some gifts, is how I see it.
"God, speak to me! Give me revelations," I've prayed, only to hear him respond, "Well, why don't you spend more time in my Word? I speak a lot there."
"God, help me receive your grace and understand your forgiveness; let me encounter your love in a new way," I've pleaded desperately, only to hear back, "Then lay down your pride and go talk to So-and-So and forgive them like I've told you to. That will show you something about my grace. Have mercy and you will be shown mercy, child."
"God, heal my heart," and he's said, "I am healing you, but I can only heal the parts you've given to me. And I may be God, but I don't operate in a dark room. I can heal what you expose to light."
"God, come close to me, draw near to me. I want to know you more, let me see your face!" and he's said, "Do you? It seems more like you want to see and know Denzel Washington and Mel Gibson. You spend more time with them than me."
So basically. . . God has been asking me for more too. And today I made a decision to stop delaying my obedience (which is really disobedience; I repent God!) and give him more.
As much as it killed me to do it, I have deleted all my secular music. (Even my Coldplay. Even my Marc Anthony. Even my Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack! Lol, I'm not kidding when I say that I am literally emotional. These things all hold a memory for me.) I'm also going to fast movies for a while, and books that are not the Bible. Eeechh, yes, this is already painful.
But I am so expectant because my God is faithful! He is calling me higher so I can know him more, and so others can know him more too. He is NOT calling me higher so I can look down on others or so I can take pride in my "suffering" away without my favorite entertainment. (Suffering is a joke, by the way. I don't even know what real suffering is.) He is doing this humble me and make me hungrier for him:
"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." - Deuteronomy 8:3.
I want to know the Lord. I do. Nothing else is satisfying anymore. I'm bored. There's got to be more than just going through the motions, more than just working Monday through Friday and devoting all time aside for my entertainment. I want more of him. So, if anyone reads this, keep me in prayer! God's doing some awesome stuff, so I know the enemy is pissed and already plotting and planning how he's gonna try and ruin it. And I am not Jesus, as we ALL know.
LOL. I love the way Perry Noble puts it in one of his sermons. In the sermon, he's talking about how a lot of Christians hate coming to church because of "all the hypocrites". And he doesn't combat it by saying it isn't full of hypocrites-- it is! "I'm a hypocrite! Everyday I try to live like Jesus and every single day I fall short. I'm a hypocrite. We're all hypocrites. You're a hypocrite!" He says it pretty hilariously, but it's so true. I am a hypocrite. It is no longer my goal to be perfect. I will never be. I will always fall short. And God knew that when he made me. I'd rather keep on stumbling and falling as I run after Jesus than sit on the ground and quit the race. It is no longer my goal to be perfect. It is my goal to love God and love his people, and trust him when he says this brings him glory.
God is good. I am so expectant. I am so ready to finally get slammed with what I've been asking him for . . . yes, if you are reading this right now, please. Say. A. Prayer.
Much love, people.
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