Sometimes I really am just one big fail-- at loving God, at loving people, at loving myself. It’s honestly pretty funny. Well, here’s for vulnerability.
Fail #1: I walked into the kitchen this morning to find what looked like our entire stash of dishes piled all over the dish drain and around it. You could tell people had probably stood there for like ten minutes trying to maneuver a plate into a certain position so they wouldn’t have to put dishes away. On top of that, there were dirty dishes left in the sink from the night before. Well, I got pretty mad, and I started destroying the kitchen. Well, I was putting away the dishes and cleaning up, but I worked myself into such an angered frenzy that it sounded like I was destroying the kitchen. Two of my housemates were hanging out in the adjacent living room and things got quiet about five minutes into my cleanup. One spoke up and asked me if I was okay. And I shot back an answer that included the words “pissed” and “screwed”. (I should clarify that what I said was something along the lines of, “I’m okay. No, actually, I am pissed. I’m tired of people leaving their dishes in the sink and leaving the rest of us screwed.”)
Go KRISTEN! Way to be slow to anger. Way to be patient. And way to tame the tongue.
Fail #2: I went off on my best friend last night for doing something she feels God told her to do. I am not going to clarify more detail on this, but the thing God told her to do worries me and freaks me the heck out. I already told her this the first time she told me God told her to do it, though. Last night, I was a discouraging jerk about it, trying to control and make her feel bad about doing it because it worries the junk out of me.
Yes, I am an awesome, encouraging, loving best friend.
Fail #3: The night before last, God told me he wanted me to wake up for the sunrise and spend some time with him. I got really excited for my date with Jesus and even asked ChaCha what time the sun would rise in Garden Valley, Texas. It would rise at 7:23 am. So I set my alarm, fell asleep with a smile on my face, and . . . I woke up yesterday morning at 10. Totally missed my date with the God of the universe. Way to go, beloved of God.
Fail #4: So remember the other day, when I said I was going to be going without secular music and movies and books that weren’t the Bible? Yeah, that was until the next afternoon when I opened up a care package from my family and found Donald Miller’s A Thousand Miles in a Million Years. My heart leapt, until I remembered my fast. Then I started reasoning with myself. “Oh, God won’t mind; He will probably totally speak to me through this book.”
I guiltily swallowed the book in several gulps before I could change my mind. Just finished it this morning, in fact. And it was, of course, awesome. God did speak to me about some things. But then I got hit with the fact that my fast of non-Bible books lasted less than 24 hours.
Fail.
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This is not by any means a complete list of all the ways I have fallen short these past several days. Just a few that stand out from the outside. I could get really depressed about being a big fail, but I am choosing instead to look my failures in the eye and simply repent and turn my back on them. They are not who I am. I am the bride of Christ, beloved of God. I am forgiven and loved. God sees no stain on me.
So I failed to be a kind, patient woman in the kitchen this morning? God will keep teaching me how to love and lay down offense.
So I failed to be a good, encouraging friend to my best friend? God will show me how to be a better friend and trust Him with her wellbeing.
So I failed to wake up for my sunrise date with God? The sun will rise again and he will be there.
So I failed to continue my book fast? I have a fresh start today and I will go for it again.
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It is a wonderful thing that God’s mercy is renewed with the rising of the sun, and that he “desires mercy and not sacrifice”. I could punish myself by hiding my face from him, or by embracing the enemy’s lies of condemnation for a while. I could hold tight to the pride that still tries to convince me that I must earn my way to God, that there is a way I could ever do such a thing. I could keep dangling my slaughtered, fattened calf before him until I feel acceptable.
Or I could just accept that Jesus took the punishment for my selfishness already because God so loved me. I could accept that God doesn’t want my sacrifice. He wants my heart. He wants me to place my hope in him, to have faith in him, and to love him. He wants me to trust in his love. That’s all he has ever wanted.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Jesus, in Matthew 11:28.
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