i don't want to be a pharisee.

I didn’t wake up for church this morning. There is a part of me that wants to come up with some kind of excuse for this, but I have none. It was sheer laziness. I didn’t even go to bed that late. Midnight. And I thought to myself, before bed, that I should probably set my alarm clock on my phone, but I deliberately did not. I went to sleep, and I woke up a little after ten. This is a confession. I think and talk a lot about how the American church needs to change, but half the time I don’t even show up.

It is so easy to be a part of the problem, rather than a part of its solution. This has been on my mind all day. You say this, but you do that. The Pharisees did that too, Kristen. They placed heavy burdens on the backs of men but didn’t lift a finger to help them. I don’t want to be a Pharisee. God forbid I spend my life pointing out everything that’s wrong with the church without doing something as an individual to change it. It starts with myself. Actually, it starts with Jesus, and letting Him work through . . myself. Not constantly begging Him to change other people, but change my own heart. This applies to everything, including relationships. It is so easy to become obsessively frustrated with the flaws of another person, and never face your own. I don’t want to be that person. God forbid I remain that person.

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I was talking to one of my good friends a long while back, and I asked her how things were going with the church she is attending while in college. I asked her if she had been able to get plugged in with the people there. She told me that it was proving to be difficult, that the people weren’t very accepting or welcoming. She had been going to the church for a while but was still feeling like a stranger. I became irritated as she told me this, but she went on to say that God was using it to show her what it feels like to be unwelcome and unaccepted, and now she would be very careful about making sure newcomers in any area of her life felt just the opposite. That is just awesome to me. I mean, who does that? It is so easy to become embittered instead of becoming the change. This sister of mine chose instead to become the change, and it inspired me.

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I’m going to leave this blog short since I always write long-winded ones.

I did have a time of worship and I listened to a sermon in my bedroom. (Yes, this was done partially to make myself feel better about not having gone to church, God forgive the selfish intentions of my heart!) But I highly recommend the sermon. Newspring Church is going through a series called “Man Vs. Wife” and today I listened to the first part, called “Marriage: Are You Fighting In It or For it?” It's great for married people, but it's not so much about marriage as it is about being a humble disciple of Jesus Christ. Check it out:

what are we doing?!

Well, I officially broke my movies-and-books fast on Sunday, but I am starting it up again. Part of me felt that it had accomplished what the Lord desired, but Tabitha challenged me on whether God had given me the okay to end it. I realized that He hadn’t. On Sunday, I mended two relationships with women in my house, and when they invited me to sit down and watch a movie with them, I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to spend time with them and not withdraw to my bedroom like a loner or an isolationist, religious fanatic. So I did.

We watched Abandon, Brittany Murphy’s last movie before she died of a cardiac arrest, and I couldn’t really get into it. I felt this terrible sadness throughout the entire movie, looking at her withered frame, her sunken dark eyes, her too-large lips on bony, dead-looking face. I couldn’t stop thinking that she’d looked like a dead woman even before she passed away, and if I had known her before she died, I would have wanted to trap her in my house and feed her good, hearty food and tell her she was beautiful and God loves her and she can stop starving to be good enough. I almost started crying while I was watching Abandon simply because Brittany Murphy was so obviously sick in mind, sick in heart, sick in spirit, and sick in body, and I couldn’t stop wondering if anybody ever told her Jesus Christ is alive and could save her from herself. My heart felt like it was being crushed. It was horrible.

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I am disturbed and saddened to the point of tears as I write this. I found out that someone here at the Honor Academy, someone I have lived with for almost a year now, has been struggling with depression. Intense, heavy depression to the point of suicidal thoughts, the point of finally giving in and taking a knife to her skin. Now she is going home to get some help. I am angry because she has been on my heart these past two days. When I told her that, she said, “That’s funny, because two days ago is when it happened.” God had been stirring me to reach out to her, and I didn’t, because she wasn’t around, because she‘s not that easy to get to. I kept thinking, Oh, I’ll get to that. But now she is leaving, and now she has a cut on her wrist, and though I know she is going to be okay and God is going to win her heart and heal her mind because He is faithful, I am angry. I am angry that none of us really knew how bad it’s been with her. I’m angry that God was nudging me to talk to her and I didn’t listen.

When we prayed for her, I prayed, “God, please bring people into her life who will be bold and who will listen when you tell them to reach out to her, not like me!” I am still struggling with anger towards myself. I know God forgives me, I know that He wants to use this to teach me something. I just feel like this has happened one too many times. God shows me something about someone or some situation, and I am too consumed with myself and the goings-on in my life to do anything. Sometimes I am just afraid to say anything for fear of being totally wrong in my discernments. There’s that stupid pride in me that doesn’t want to risk failure and looking imperfect or stupid. Evil pride, actually.

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I am disturbed. I am so disturbed by what I see in myself because it mirrors so much of what one finds in the church. I am not surprised that most secular psychologists believe that the “church is not an adequate place for helping psychological matters.” Why would it be? Ask most non-Christian counselors and they will tell you that all of their patients are hungry for something they will not find in the church-- love and acceptance.

I mean, what the hell is that?

I am angry. No, I am pissed, to the point of tears. When are we going to step it up? We are the body of Christ, we are the hands and feet and mouth of Jesus Christ on this earth! We lift our hands and worship God at church, but we don’t lift a finger to love anyone besides those who care for us:

“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” - Matthew 5:6.

We use our feet to lead . . Ourselves to the couch, or the theatre, or wherever else we can find entertainment and pleasure and comfort. God forbid we use them to chase after our brothers and sisters for whom God’s heart breaks. Why? We don’t want to lead others to the Lord because we doubt ourselves, or, really, we doubt God. We doubt His Word is true, and we doubt that Jesus is even the truth. We believe Him just enough to feel at peace about ourselves and about our dead loved ones. But we doubt Him just enough to justify sitting on the couch and letting people die and go to hell everyday. What the hell is that? Why don’t we figure out what we believe already and live like we believe it? Jesus is the Son of God or he isn’t! And if we say he is, then he wasn’t lying when he said that he is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and no one gets to the Father except through him!

Half the time, we use our mouths for plain and simple sin. We gossip, we slander, we tell lies, we reject, we argue over meaningless things. We wound the very people we are called to love.

“[The tongue] is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.” - James 3:8-10.

God forbid we should encourage each other, letting the Lord use sweet words as a healing balm to people’s broken spirits. We sure don’t live like Jesus said that we will be held accountable for every careless word spoken (Matthew 12:36-37). For many, like myself, the problem is not opening my mouth when God is telling me to, and opening it when God is telling me clearly to keep the thing shut.

We are the body of Christ, we are the church. Do we love God? If we do, then why aren’t we loving his people?

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At the end of the book of John, Jesus is spending some last time on earth with the disciples before being taken back up into heaven. He has cooked a breakfast of bread and fish for them, and after they have finished eating, he asks Peter if Peter loves him. Peter says, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” Jesus replies, “Feed my lambs.”

“Simon, son of John, do you love me?” he asks Peter again.

“Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.”

“Tend my sheep.”

Again, Jesus asks, “Do you love me?” Jesus asks three times because, back when he was being beaten and prepared for crucifixion- in his greatest time of need- Peter had denied even knowing him three times. Peter is grieved by the third question, perhaps because he realizes why he is being asked repeatedly. But he responds:

“Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.”

And Jesus replies, “Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go… Follow me.”

Peter did finally decide to truly follow God. He became the rock on which Jesus’ church was built. Later in life, Peter was crucified upside-down. Upside-down because he didn’t want to dishonor the death of Jesus Christ on the cross by dying the same exact way.

Peter followed Jesus Christ . . To an upside-down crucifixion..

Half the time I don’t even want to get up for church on Sunday.

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“Yet they seek me daily and delight to know my ways, as if they were a nation that did righteousness and did not forsake the judgment of their God; they ask of me righteous judgments; they delight to draw near to God.

“ ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’”

“Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers. Behold, you fast only to quarrel and fight and to hit with a wicked fist. Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high. Is such the fast that I choose, a day for a person to humble himself? … Will you call this a fast, and a day acceptable to the LORD?”

“Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?”

“Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’ ”

“If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, if your pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as noonday.”

“And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be a well-watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail…”

“If your turn back your foot from the Sabbath, from doing your pleasure on my holy day, and call the Sabbath a delight and the holy day of the Lord honorable; if you honor it, not going your own ways, or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly, then you shall take delight in the LORD, and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; I will feed you…” - Isaiah 58: 2-14.

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There is a reason why I thought that God had accomplished what he had set out to do with my little fast. I had a breakdown the other day. The only reason I had a breakdown was that I actually had a lot of undistracted time to think. I didn’t have Donald Miller to run to or a movie to pop in the laptop. With all the brain-silence, things started surfacing. Like that I talk a lot about how God loves me but part of me doesn’t really believe it. There’s this part of me that still feels ashamed before him, like he is disgusted with me but he still chooses to use me in other people’s lives because he loves them so much. Not so much me. There’s still this part of me that doesn’t believe in unconditional love. That’s why I don’t really want to get married. I am just barely beginning to get that God loves me despite so much junk in my heart. The thought of a human loving unconditionally, to be honest, makes me laugh a bit in my head. Especially a man. I know that sounds terrible. It’s just how I feel right now. I’m pretty jacked up, man.

So I had this breakdown and everything just sort of hit me all at once. I felt this terrible, gut-wrenching pain and clenched my stomach and fell into my bed sobbing. I could barely breathe. I cried out to God and talked to him for an hour in bed, telling him through tears how I really feel about how he looks at me and feels about me. It was good. I slept so well. It felt as though Jesus had sat beside me, listened to all my fears as I fell asleep, and then laid a blanket of peace over me. The bitter became sweet and he gave me rest.

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I am being healed. I know that as I continue to humble myself before God and focus on serving instead of self, my own healing will continue to break forth. I know a lot of people who know the Lord and are yet dissatisfied and hopeless. Perhaps just restless, knowing that there is more to life than overeating and watching movies.

There is. There definitely is. When we get our eyes off ourselves, focus our gaze on God and the needs--physical, spiritual, and emotional-- of the people around us, I believe we begin to see what that “more” is. We were created to live for so much more than what most of us are living for. We were meant to live for so much more than just ourselves.

Will we love God with all we have? Will we love his people with all we have, even and especially when it is hard? Or will we continue to love our lives so as to shrink from death? For most American Christians, the death we shrink from is the death of our pride, the death of that selfish pride that says we are the most important person in our lives, next up is our family, and our comfort is ultimately what matters the most.

“Now the salvation and the power and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.” - Revelation 12:10-11.

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We will all appear before the throne of God to give an account for what we did in our earthly bodies. As a follower of Christ, I know that I will go to heaven and be with my Father and nothing can separate me from the love of God. But I also understand that I will receive due reward and discipline for both the good and the evil I did with this body.

It’s a sobering thought. A lot of Christians don’t like to think about it. But it is the truth.

Am I ready to appear before God? Most of my life has been poured out on meaningless things. I know that I am not ready. I’m honestly not so sure God would say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Yes, I have spent almost two years now serving as an intern at a non-profit Christian organization. One could look at my life from the outside and think, “She’s doing pretty good!” But I know my heart. And I have spent most of my entire life, these past two years included, seeking to satisfy myself in everything that I have done, not seeking to glorify God. So I am not sure that I have yet built something solid with my life that will endure the flames of God’s refining judgment.

Will your life withstand the flames? I’m not talking about salvation. If you believe Jesus Christ is Lord, I believe we will be together in heaven. I mean, are you using your life to love God, love God’s people, and make a real impact of eternal value? Are you dying to yourself on a daily basis and living to be a vessel of God’s love and truth in the world? People need what you’ve got. People need what I have as well. Namely, Jesus. Our lives are not our own.

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It breaks my heart the most Christians believe only some are called to serve with their whole lives, that only some are called away from themselves. I’m sure Satan loves that most of us believe this lie. There are 27 million people enslaved by the sex-trafficking industry right now. Yet only some are called to do something about this? I think a lot more than a few “special” people are called to fight injustice and free the oppressed and proclaim healing salvation to the captives. A lot more than a few people need freedom-- spiritual and physical. There are more slaves in the world than ever has been since the dawn of humanity. The body of Christ--the church-- needs to unite as a whole and do something about this evil industry. Not just a few select people.

The crazy part is that when we pour out our lives to bring healing and salvation to others, God pours out his blessings and healing on us. Is it really not worth getting off the couch?

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“Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.

“Follow me.”

Our lives are not our own. We have been bought with a price. Let’s grow up and get past this lie that we still should dress ourselves and walk wherever we want. Let’s stretch out our hands and let the Lord dress us and carry us even where we do not want to go. It’s not about us anymore. And, more often than not, where we do not want to go is exactly where God wants to use us. Will we get past ourselves? Will we not just stifle our flesh but murder it completely and follow God wherever he leads? Even if he just leads you back to church? And even if he leads you to an Indian mosque to show love to some Muslims? Or even if he just leads you to spend some time with an irritating person? Will you follow him?

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“But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever must be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” - Matthew 20:26-28.

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This are some of the things God is stirring in my heart.

reading through the gospels.

I’ve decided to read through the Gospels. To be very honest, I almost lied just now and said, “I’ve decided to read through the Gospels again.” But the truth is that I have never read through all of the Gospels. This shames me to admit, especially as a graduate of the Honor Academy internship. One of the best things about going to the Honor Academy is that you are placed on a yearlong Bible reading plan. If you follow it diligently (and you are supposed to), you will have read through the entire Bible by graduation. To say I was never diligent about staying on track with the reading plan would be to make a severe understatement. And this really bothers me, especially now that I am realizing what a blessing a year off to focus entirely on my walk with God was. I should have read the entire Bible by now. And at least the Gospels.

Well, I am reading them now, and I have started with Matthew. It is so much more fun to read the Gospels after the Foundations Symposium a few weeks back. Dr. Kenny Price came and taught on them: specifically, how they blend together to present a picture of God. I never realized that the four Gospels--Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John-- each present a very different facet of the same Lord because they were written to reach very different groups of people. They all blend together, four different notes to form a divine harmony of truth. There are those who grow suspicious upon realizing how very different the four books are. I think it’s beautiful that the Gospels aren’t four carbon copies. Four very distinct people wrote them who spent time with Jesus. I think that, were four of my friends to write out my own life story, they would all four remember and give significance to different things. They would capture me in different poses.

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Matthew was writing to the Jews first and foremost, connecting their Old Testament to the New Testament. In Matthew, Old Testament prophecies are fulfilled twelve times. His purpose was to show them the Jesus as Messiah and Jesus as the King. Because Matthew is writing to the Jews, there are things found in Matthew that are not found in any other Gospel. Example: Matthew dives into the genealogy of Jesus first thing as though it is incredibly important. Most of us skip over all the “begats” but the Jew would never do that. Why? Because the first thing the Jew wants to know is whether Jesus fulfilled the prophesied qualifications of being the seed of Abraham, and a son of David. This was of utmost importance.

Matthew is the only Gospel writer who talks about the Magi, who came to Jerusalem and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him.” Mark, Luke, and John completely skip over this part of the story. But Matthew was out to prove that Jesus was King, so he would never skip it.

Matthew’s record of Jesus’ teachings was also different from other Gospels. In Matthew’s account of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is shown to be someone speaking with great authority about the kingdom of God. He is Judge and law-giver. Mark’s account of the Sermon on the Mount is very different, because Mark was writing to the Romans, and he sought to emphasize that Jesus came to be a servant. The Romans were a people of action. The Jews were a people of deep religious feeling and conviction. Jesus was presented to them as Rabbi who taught with authority concerning the kingdom. The Lord’s Prayer in this part of Matthew includes “For Thine is the Kingdom”, but Luke’s version, for example, does not include it.

The word “kingdom” in Matthew is found over 50 times. “Kingdom of heaven” is found 30 times, and the phrase is only used in Matthew. Why? Because the Jews already felt that they were the kingdom of God. “Kingdom of God” and “Kingdom of Heaven” mean the same exact thing, but Matthew wanted to make clear that Jesus was not talking about an earthly kingdom. So he coined the phrase “Kingdom of Heaven” to clarify this. He wanted to avoid confusion.

“For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.” The word righteousness is used seventeen times in Matthew-- more than in any other Gospel. “The throne of his glory,” “the holy city,” and “the city of the great king” are all phrases found in Matthew that show the lordship of Jesus as well. John the Baptist is also quoted as having said, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” Mark and Luke only reference the repentance part of his message.

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Something I found very interesting is that the each Gospel writer references a different miracle as having been the first that Jesus performed. The very first miracle Jesus did perform was turning the water into wine at the wedding in Canaan. But Matthew chooses instead to begin with a miracle that would reach into the heart of a Jew more than any other: the healing of the leper. I actually got teary-eyed when Dr. Kenny Price taught about this. Nothing else would have got the attention of the Jewish mind better than this healing . . . Why?

Because the leper was, to the Jews, a complete picture of sin. A leper was considered unclean, and it was commonly believed in the Jewish community that lepers were being judged and cursed because of sin in their lives. They were untouchable. When a Jew would come within twenty feet of a leper, they would yell, “Unclean!” People who were declared lepers lost all relationship with their families. Family members would only come close enough to throw them food. Life was hell for a leper.

“When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, ‘Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.” - Matt. 8:1-4.

Jesus reached out and touched the untouchable, the walking picture of unclean things, the living portrait of sin. He could have simply declared healing over the man and the man would have been healed. But he reached out his hand and touched him.

This definitely got some Jewish attention.

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I think it is beautiful that Jesus met what was probably an emotional need as well as healed a physical sickness. The man probably hadn’t been touched in years. It makes me emotional, just thinking about it. I mean, imagine being the leper. Imagine how it must have felt to not be touched, to not be talked to, to be thrown food across distances. A leper could never belong. I think we have all felt something like a leper in our lifetimes. Maybe not everyone, but I know I’ve tasted what it feels like to not be accepted, to be rejected, to be left out. Jesus reached out to the lonely leper and touched him, and it makes me tear up because as disgusting as I was in my sinfulness, Jesus reached out and touched lonely me.

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I think I am going to talk about Mark next. . . Americans love the book of Mark. No "begats" there. He's been called the cameraman of the Gospel writers. The Romans didn't care about genealogy. They cared about action, servant-hood, divine power, and conquest. In fact, by the end of Mark's first chapter, Jesus has already cast out a demon, healed someone with a fever, cured great crowds, and healed a leper. (By the end of Matthew's first chapter, Jesus hasn't even been born yet. There you go.)

Yes, next up, I'll be diving into the book of Mark.

fail. fail. fail. :)

Sometimes I really am just one big fail-- at loving God, at loving people, at loving myself. It’s honestly pretty funny. Well, here’s for vulnerability.

Fail #1: I walked into the kitchen this morning to find what looked like our entire stash of dishes piled all over the dish drain and around it. You could tell people had probably stood there for like ten minutes trying to maneuver a plate into a certain position so they wouldn’t have to put dishes away. On top of that, there were dirty dishes left in the sink from the night before. Well, I got pretty mad, and I started destroying the kitchen. Well, I was putting away the dishes and cleaning up, but I worked myself into such an angered frenzy that it sounded like I was destroying the kitchen. Two of my housemates were hanging out in the adjacent living room and things got quiet about five minutes into my cleanup. One spoke up and asked me if I was okay. And I shot back an answer that included the words “pissed” and “screwed”. (I should clarify that what I said was something along the lines of, “I’m okay. No, actually, I am pissed. I’m tired of people leaving their dishes in the sink and leaving the rest of us screwed.”)

Go KRISTEN! Way to be slow to anger. Way to be patient. And way to tame the tongue.

Fail #2: I went off on my best friend last night for doing something she feels God told her to do. I am not going to clarify more detail on this, but the thing God told her to do worries me and freaks me the heck out. I already told her this the first time she told me God told her to do it, though. Last night, I was a discouraging jerk about it, trying to control and make her feel bad about doing it because it worries the junk out of me.

Yes, I am an awesome, encouraging, loving best friend.

Fail #3: The night before last, God told me he wanted me to wake up for the sunrise and spend some time with him. I got really excited for my date with Jesus and even asked ChaCha what time the sun would rise in Garden Valley, Texas. It would rise at 7:23 am. So I set my alarm, fell asleep with a smile on my face, and . . . I woke up yesterday morning at 10. Totally missed my date with the God of the universe. Way to go, beloved of God.

Fail #4: So remember the other day, when I said I was going to be going without secular music and movies and books that weren’t the Bible? Yeah, that was until the next afternoon when I opened up a care package from my family and found Donald Miller’s A Thousand Miles in a Million Years. My heart leapt, until I remembered my fast. Then I started reasoning with myself. “Oh, God won’t mind; He will probably totally speak to me through this book.”

I guiltily swallowed the book in several gulps before I could change my mind. Just finished it this morning, in fact. And it was, of course, awesome. God did speak to me about some things. But then I got hit with the fact that my fast of non-Bible books lasted less than 24 hours.

Fail.

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This is not by any means a complete list of all the ways I have fallen short these past several days. Just a few that stand out from the outside. I could get really depressed about being a big fail, but I am choosing instead to look my failures in the eye and simply repent and turn my back on them. They are not who I am. I am the bride of Christ, beloved of God. I am forgiven and loved. God sees no stain on me.

So I failed to be a kind, patient woman in the kitchen this morning? God will keep teaching me how to love and lay down offense.

So I failed to be a good, encouraging friend to my best friend? God will show me how to be a better friend and trust Him with her wellbeing.

So I failed to wake up for my sunrise date with God? The sun will rise again and he will be there.

So I failed to continue my book fast? I have a fresh start today and I will go for it again.

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It is a wonderful thing that God’s mercy is renewed with the rising of the sun, and that he “desires mercy and not sacrifice”. I could punish myself by hiding my face from him, or by embracing the enemy’s lies of condemnation for a while. I could hold tight to the pride that still tries to convince me that I must earn my way to God, that there is a way I could ever do such a thing. I could keep dangling my slaughtered, fattened calf before him until I feel acceptable.

Or I could just accept that Jesus took the punishment for my selfishness already because God so loved me. I could accept that God doesn’t want my sacrifice. He wants my heart. He wants me to place my hope in him, to have faith in him, and to love him. He wants me to trust in his love. That’s all he has ever wanted.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Jesus, in Matthew 11:28.

i asked God for more, so he asked me for more.

I am writing this blog with a feeling of . . . well, it's a combination of excitement, irritation, exhaustion, readiness, anticipation. God is doing something different. He's shaking things up around here.

For a long while, I have been asking God for more. More of his presence, more of his revelation, more of his anointing, his Holy Spirit. More divine appointments, more encouraging words for people, more prophetic dreams, an anointing to bring miraculous healing (whether physical, spiritual, or emotional) into the lives of others. I've been asking him for more passion. I've been asking him for a deeper desire to study his word. I've been asking him for more love to love others with. I've been asking God for so much more.

So God's been asking me for more too.

He has started asking me to sacrifice more. It started back in the day, when I was singing "Take My Life" to him during an Honor Academy ceremony. There's a verse that goes, "Take my voice / and let me sing / always, only / for my King." God whispered in my spirit:

"Do you really want to only ever sing for me?"

It hit me that the words I was singing meant nothing. Why? Because, later on, I would probably put on a OneRepublic cd and start singing to it-- and my singing wouldn't be for him at all. I would put on some Coldplay and it wouldn't be about him at all. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily be sinning, since "everything is permissible" (1 Cor. 10:23). But I wouldn't be singing for God. And here I was, worshiping God, belting out, "Let me sing / always, only / for my King."

He told me he wanted more. He said, "Let go of music that doesn't glorify me." But I didn't.

Ever since I started asking God for more, he's been harassing me for more. Harassing is probably the wrong word, but that is how it's felt at times. Because I wouldn't do what he asked, but I would continue asking him for more. And because he loves me and the people I'm called to impact with my life (and because he is a good Father who loves to give good gifts to his children), he's continued asking me for more. More to work with. More room to actually lay some gifts, is how I see it.

"God, speak to me! Give me revelations," I've prayed, only to hear him respond, "Well, why don't you spend more time in my Word? I speak a lot there."

"God, help me receive your grace and understand your forgiveness; let me encounter your love in a new way," I've pleaded desperately, only to hear back, "Then lay down your pride and go talk to So-and-So and forgive them like I've told you to. That will show you something about my grace. Have mercy and you will be shown mercy, child."

"God, heal my heart," and he's said, "I am healing you, but I can only heal the parts you've given to me. And I may be God, but I don't operate in a dark room. I can heal what you expose to light."

"God, come close to me, draw near to me. I want to know you more, let me see your face!" and he's said, "Do you? It seems more like you want to see and know Denzel Washington and Mel Gibson. You spend more time with them than me."

So basically. . . God has been asking me for more too. And today I made a decision to stop delaying my obedience (which is really disobedience; I repent God!) and give him more.

As much as it killed me to do it, I have deleted all my secular music. (Even my Coldplay. Even my Marc Anthony. Even my Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack! Lol, I'm not kidding when I say that I am literally emotional. These things all hold a memory for me.) I'm also going to fast movies for a while, and books that are not the Bible. Eeechh, yes, this is already painful.

But I am so expectant because my God is faithful! He is calling me higher so I can know him more, and so others can know him more too. He is NOT calling me higher so I can look down on others or so I can take pride in my "suffering" away without my favorite entertainment. (Suffering is a joke, by the way. I don't even know what real suffering is.) He is doing this humble me and make me hungrier for him:

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." - Deuteronomy 8:3.

I want to know the Lord. I do. Nothing else is satisfying anymore. I'm bored. There's got to be more than just going through the motions, more than just working Monday through Friday and devoting all time aside for my entertainment. I want more of him. So, if anyone reads this, keep me in prayer! God's doing some awesome stuff, so I know the enemy is pissed and already plotting and planning how he's gonna try and ruin it. And I am not Jesus, as we ALL know.

LOL. I love the way Perry Noble puts it in one of his sermons. In the sermon, he's talking about how a lot of Christians hate coming to church because of "all the hypocrites". And he doesn't combat it by saying it isn't full of hypocrites-- it is! "I'm a hypocrite! Everyday I try to live like Jesus and every single day I fall short. I'm a hypocrite. We're all hypocrites. You're a hypocrite!" He says it pretty hilariously, but it's so true. I am a hypocrite. It is no longer my goal to be perfect. I will never be. I will always fall short. And God knew that when he made me. I'd rather keep on stumbling and falling as I run after Jesus than sit on the ground and quit the race. It is no longer my goal to be perfect. It is my goal to love God and love his people, and trust him when he says this brings him glory.

God is good. I am so expectant. I am so ready to finally get slammed with what I've been asking him for . . . yes, if you are reading this right now, please. Say. A. Prayer.

Much love, people.

love isn't money.

Come as close as You want.

Consume this heart

That longs to burn.

I know Your fire can hurt,

But I would be worse here without You.

I’m listening to Misty Edwards, breathing in and out, enjoying the beautifully golden Texas sunset God has painted on my bedroom window this evening. I can’t help but keep thinking that soon I will be back in Connecticut, missing this huge canvas of a sky that he has used these past two years to enrapture my heart. I will probably live in Texas again someday, but it will never be the same. East Texas will forever hold such a special memory in my heart because this is where God led me and allured me. It has served as my desert place, my Hosea 2:14. God brought me here, closed me off from my other lovers, grabbed me by the chin more than a few times, and made me gaze into his eyes until I understood that his stare was that of a close, loving Father and not a hypercritical judge in the sky. I’m still learning this, but I am finally sort of getting it, and it’s pretty awesome.

It’s not all picking daisies though. Like Misty sings in the song, God’s fire can hurt. Conviction is not really a lot of fun. I never really liked being disciplined by my earthly parents either, and I know they hated disciplining me! Lately, the Holy Spirit has been talking to me a lot about love. Once upon a time, I thought I was a pretty nice person. I thought I was pretty loving, you know. That’s what most of my friends would say of me-- “Kristen’s so loving.”

And then God started talking to me about it, and, well, it has been hard. Really good, but hard. Reality checks can seriously sting.

For example, I used to read 1st Corinthians 13 in a sort of poetic way. I thought the passage was very beautiful, very well-written. The love passage, so sweet and eternal-sounding. Go Paul! I looked it at kind of the way one looks at a sunset-- what a big, beautiful, and utterly untouchable thing. This ”idea” of love was like a pretty picture on a wall. I didn’t read the passage like a checklist for living. I didn’t read it like it was really the definition of love.

I don’t remember exactly when it hit me that I should be living out what it said. I know that sounds pretty stupid, but we all do it. How many times have we all been hearers and not doers of the Word? So many times, we think, “Oh, that sounds nice. Jesus said to love God with all our hearts? That’s cool. Jesus said not to divorce. Well, that’s a good ideal to strive for, but, you know, I’ll try. Let’s see what happens. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Yep, we should all love each other, indeed, yep.”

1 Corinthians 13 is beautiful, but not like a sunset. It’s beautiful because it describes the powerful nature and unfathomable character of the God we serve. Love is power. He is love and he is in us. He wants to love through us. He wants to be loved by us. 1 Corinthians 13 should be our life as people who love Jesus.

Another idea that God has used to absolutely wreck my whole way of thinking is this one: Most of us Christians are using love like currency. We are treating love like money, and this is why the body of Christ (especially in America) is one big fail in terms of reaching out to the people around us. We have fallen for the lie that love is something we “invest” in those who deserve it, those who act the way we want them to. This makes me want to cry because I have done this my whole life and still do it. I’m learning not to through Jesus, but it’s hard.

How have I used love like money? Oh, I’ll talk about it.

“Love is patient, love is kind.”

I am mostly an impatient person. When I am sitting and having a conversation with someone, half the time it is more natural for me to be selfishly thinking, “Where is this conversation going? What is this doing for me? Why won’t they get to the point? I could be doing something right now.” My dad has this funny-- I say funny, but it has really gotten on my nerves in the past, lol-- habit of forgetting what he’s talking about halfway through a sentence.

“Kristen, I wanted to tell you,” he will begin, pausing and thinking.

Ten minutes later, he’s still staring off into space and I am about to explode. What did you want to tell me?!

“Oh, never mind. I forgot.”

Now let me demonstrate how I have used love like currency. I can be very patient with people who are doing something specific for me. For example, I used to be involved in emotionally dependent relationships. (That is a whole ‘nother conversation for a whole ‘nother time, lol.) Emotionally dependent relationships would always start because the other person would make me feel particularly beautiful, or loved, or needed. When the object of my dependency would speak, I had oceans of patience. I had so much grace! Oh, she’s just a little out of it, I would think to myself. Why was I so patient? Because the person-of-the-moment was meeting an emotional need that I had. They were worth the investment of loving patience. I would get it back in full. Sad, huh? But we all love this way. It is natural.

As to kindness: It is so much easier for me to wash dishes for the girl in my house who washes my dishes too. It is not easy to wash dishes for the girl who has a habit of leaving her dishes dirty overnight and getting our whole house punished. It so much easier to invest kindness in those who will return it.

“It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight with evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

I could go on and on about this. Basically, I actually really suck at loving people and it’s only through Jesus that I could ever hope to do it. To live a lifestyle of love. Even when I think that I am loving someone, it is more often an investment that will pay off for me in the future. And that isn’t even love, because love “is not self-seeking.” So really, most of the time, I’m not loving anyone, even the people who think that I am loving them. Because it all goes back to me. Really, at the heart, I am a selfish little jerk. I am smiling a bit as I write this, but it is true.

This could be a very saddening thought, but you know what it does for me? It makes me realize the beauty of the cross. It crushes any part of me that thinks that I could ever deserve the love of God. Me, a good person? Psh. I think that’s the most ironic part of this deception we have fallen for, this lie that love is to be treated like money. I mean, imagine if God “loved“ like this. Imagine if God looked down at us and picked who he thought deserved to be shown his love through the sacrifice of his son. None of us deserve it. Imagine if he had Jesus die for those who deserved a relationship with him. It doesn’t even make sense.

Yet so often . . So often we only offer love and relationship to those we decide deserve it. We make up lists in our heads. I do it all the time. Some people seriously get on my nerves and I put them on the “Avoid At All Costs” list. (We all have one. Don’t lie.)

Thank God he doesn’t think like we do. Thank God he is the embodiment of 1 Corinthians 13. And it’s only through him that we can ever hope to even grab hold of it.

“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 2:18.

the great love of the father!

"¹How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. ²Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. ³Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure." - 1 John 3:1-3.

I was planning to post another blog, continuing my reflection on the "Our Greatest Idol" sermon, but I am consumed with another thought: the love of the Father. The unconditional, unearned love of my Father God through Jesus Christ.

Sy Rogers (http://www.syrogers.com) just finished leading twelve hours of sessions this week here at the Teen Mania campus on the topic of sexual redemption, and though God has already done so much healing in my heart and mind already this past year and a half in this area, it was such an encouragement to have the man here! He formerly lived a gay lifestyle, even going so far as to become a transvestite for two years, before encountering the love of God and surrendering his life to Jesus Christ. Now he's married with a married daughter who, as he just announced in his closing Q&A session with us, will be giving birth to his grand-child in the spring. It is so beautiful to see the restoration that God has done in Sy's life, and how God has used it to bring healing to the lives of so many of God's children.

It is amazing to think that God loves us so much. I think that the reason most of us Christians hesitate to share the Gospel is because we haven't experienced the fullness of God's love for us. Once you begin to realize the secret of it-- that he really does love us, and not because of anything we have ever done but simply because he is a loving, wonderful Father God-- you don't want to stop talking about it. You want to tell everyone. It is the secret of life. It is the answer to the emptiness, to the hopelessness that eventually weighs us all. It is the antidote. It is the truth.

Sadly, most of us are never changed by this truth, it seems. Why? Because the gift of God's love can only change us if we humbly accept it and stop trying to earn our own way.

I recently heard it put this way: Imagine that it is Christmastime, and you have your shopping list ready by December 1st. You go shopping, you get all your gifts, and come December 23rd, one of your co-workers--someone you barely talk to, really-- decides to surprise you with a gift. Not just any gift, but something wonderful, something close to your heart. A very expensive gift. How would most of us feel? For a moment, the majority of us would be shocked and enthused by the gift. And then, we would realize that we never bought this person anything! Some of us would become angry, frustrated, stressed at the thought that now we had absolutely no time to buy something back for this person and return the favor. The point is, very few of us can simply receive a free gift. Most of the time, it becomes a burden to us.

We always want to feel like we've earned something, because of our pride. As Donald Miller says in his book Blue Like Jazz, nobody wants to be charity. But we are needy for salvation-- we have wrecked everything. Any of us can look at this world--shoot, just look in the mirror- and see that. God's gift of love and redeeming salvation is freely given to us. All we have to do is believe and receive. All we have to do is believe him.

^"4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.⁶And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,⁷in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast." - Ephesians 2:4-9.

How beautiful to think that God-- who knows the deepest darknesses of my heart, who has seen me think and do wicked things, this God on whom I have spat with my actions and words-- that this God loves me. The Creator of the universe.

Don't we all desire to be seen? To be known deeply and cherished anyway? And this is exactly what God does. He searches our hearts, leaves no rock unturned, and loves us all the while.

How great the love of the Father!

our greatest idol.

It is dinnertime, but today I didn't feel like heading back to my house to cook. Nothing I can picture in my refrigerator or cabinet right now sounds particularly appetizing. I have two ripe avocados and no idea what to do with them, so the thought of walking into my kitchen and seeing them again is slightly distressing. Literally, the fact that I now have to use them is making me a bit stressed out.

So I'm sitting in the office, listening to a sermon by Adam Thompson, a pastor on staff at the Dallas campus of the Village Church (http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/resource_files/audio/200911081115DNWC21ASAAA_AdamThomason-OurGreatestIdol.mp3). I recommended it to one of my friends about an hour or so ago. And I am already feeling the same biting conviction I experienced the first time I listened to this sermon. And the second time I listened to this sermon. Now it's the third time and, boy oh boy, it's convicting as ever.

I recommended it to my friend because she came into work today with a little bit of an attitude. Her attitude was nothing too serious-- just enough of one to leave her face slightly darkened, to cause her to be a little less patient than normally with people. Others may never have noticed, but I could see it. I asked her what was up, what was bothering her? And she opened up, saying in many words what added up to mean that her day had not begun in a way that pleased her. She had been forced to spend time with people that she already got to spend plenty of time with. Some of her down-time had been taken from her schedule and she had been inconvenienced. As she talked, I saw myself in her, and my own sinful selfishness. How many times have I become irritated with life because it doesn't go my way? Or, lately, how many times have I retreated to my bedroom and hidden from my housemates because I just didn't feel like being around people? How many times have I justified outright selfishness under the guise of "just not feeling like doing something"?

It's called self-idolatry. It is the root of all sin and it is what sent Jesus to the cross. We are naturally self-idolaters, every single one of us. Anyone who claims otherwise deceives himself. I am my greatest idol. It's not clothes, it's not makeup, it's not money, it's not the praise of man. It's not sex, it's not food, it's not comfort, it's not relationships, it's not status. It's what those things can and do give to me. I am naturally a self-idolater.

---

After listening to this sermon, I want to talk about the key things that stand out to me about what Adam is saying. (Everyone should listen to it though. Seriously, it's worth the forty or so minutes. I've listened to it three times now and been impacted each time.)

The first thing that really got me thinking is the truth that we are not really honest with ourselves about our sin. And it is the truth! We sugarcoat and we use words like "struggle" and "issues". I look at myself and see this so clearly. I could say about my life that I have struggled with the sin of lying; I used to be a compulsive liar. Or I could be a bit more honest and say, "I love and crave the adoration and acceptance of men and women, and I used to intentionally deceive and manipulate them so that I could be praised and feel good." Now that is being honest and getting to the heart of the situation. Lying wasn't the problem. The problem was an ongoing addiction to the praises of men and women, which I was determined to get for myself at any cost. The problem was a willingness to continue spitting in God's face over and over because honoring Him meant nothing next to honoring myself.

"I'm just frustrated having to be around so many socially-awkward people at one time," I've "confessed" to my accountability partner before. But the real, honest-to-God confession would sound more like this: "I am impatient and angry when I am around socially-awkward people because they make me feel uncomfortable, and I am addicted to comfort. I love myself and my comfort more than I love people who are awkward, therefore I would rather not spend time with them."

As a last, but very important example, I have confessed to God, "God, I am so frustrated that I keep messing up with this one sin. I'm so tired of being so weak in this area!" And what does God say in return? "Why are you angry? Do you not know that my power is made perfect in your weakness? Isn't this an opportunity to confess how imperfect you are? Or would you rather be known as someone in perfect peace, in perfect love? You are not God and you are not your savior." We get angry with ourselves because of our weaknesses, but the Word says that God is glorified in our weakness. Am I seeking my own glory or the glory of God?

More often than not, I am convinced that I am queen working for the glory of my own kingdom. Not the slave of Christ, working tirelessly for the expansion and glory of His.

We need to be honest about our sin. We don't "struggle" with "pride" or "lust". We do, but why? Because we idolize ourselves. Because we have set ourselves up as God in our lives.

I will go into some more points that impacted me while listening to this sermon later.